[It's just comfortable to be around her, even when they're talking through their carriers. On the opposite end of the feed, Naruto is settling back on his mattress. There's something on his mind and maybe-]
I was just remembering the way things had been back then. Fighting like that isn't easy. Even as a shinobi I wonder if we're really doing the right thing. It's natural to go on a mission back home, and know you're going to be in danger, or that you might die. I keep fighting because I have people that are important to me too. People I wanna protect. But it doesn't feel settled for me.
[ Naruto... on the one hand, she's... happy that he's worried about her, but on the other... she doesn't want him to worry about her this way either. ]
I... I think I understand. I don't want to hurt people—I just want to help them. But... But there's a war a lot like this one back home, between my country and another one named Nohr.
I-I joined my big brother, who abandoned both countries, because we want to end that war. At first I didn't want to fight, but... I know that I have to, if I want to become a strong princess of Hoshido and help him achieve peace. I also realized that fighting is a way of helping people too, if it means creating a peaceful world.
I-It's still hard for me, though. Even though I feel like I'm doing something good, I can't help but think about the people I'm fighting. They probably feel like they're doing something good too.
[ —Ah! She just started rambling about her feelings. A little sheepishly, she adds: ] D-Does that sound silly?
[It comes out easily, but maybe that's because it is an easy admission. Things were simpler when he was younger- the results of a mission were black and white because that was the world he'd been handed and because it was often a matter of survival. It wasn't until he'd lost Jiraiya and been confronted with Pein that Naruto found himself reconsidering everything he'd once been so quick to accept.]
My master had another student, and he taught me a lot about what it means to decide things for yourself. Actually, when we first met he'd done something so terrible that killing him was the only thing I could think about. I was never angry like that before. Revenge was all I wanted.
But he did those things 'cause he was trying to make a better world too, in his own way.
It can be hard fighting someone and knowing that. But I don't think we can stop either, not when these people are asking us to protect them. As we don't give up, I believe that one day, people really will be able to understand each other, and there can be a world without war.
[ On her end of the call, she tries to hide her soft sniffles that break the silence that he leaves behind. Is she crying?
Yes, because he understands, and it's such a relief to hear what she's been struggling with reflected back at her. Fighting just isn't in her nature—in truth, she despises it. She isn't like her siblings in that way, who have always embraced their strength and bent the world to their will. Compared to them, she always felt powerless. Fragile. Weak.
Most of the time, she still feels that way. She felt it on the train, and maybe some of her tears come from what happened there that still resonates with her all this time later.
But Naruto is strong—she can tell. That doesn't stop him from sharing her doubts (and her hope), and so that probably makes him just the person she needed to hear that from. ]
I-I believe that too. [ She has to believe that, or she wouldn't be able to walk the path she chose. ] Th-Thank you.
[He can feel the moment before she begins to cry- there's a kind of tremble in the air that carries between two people. Naruto has always been expressive and in doing so, has cried more times than he can count. He knows the feeling, and that's why he isn't startled when he hears her sniffle.
Instead of rushing to reassure her, Naruto closes his eyes and just lets the feeling wash through him. What it's like to have someone else, in a whole other world, with entirely different battles to fight- to share his master's belief. His hand reaches for the centre of his chest and folds in the fabric he finds there- as if he's holding onto his own heart.]
Thank you, Hime-chan.
It's nice, not to feel alone.
would it make you feel better if i said i didn't even notice
[ She breathes out and it feels like an unburdening, her breath leaving her chest along with so many of her worries. She's not alone. Naruto is from a completely different world, filled with different people and different problems, and maybe she shouldn't find comfort in sharing the feelings of someone like that.
But she does. It fuels her hope, actually, that these kinds of things are universal, and maybe... no one is ever truly alone. ]
What... What did you do then? With the other student.
[ If it sounds like more than idle curiosity... it's because she's thinking about her two oldest siblings, and how there might come a day where she has to fight them too. ]
The fight itself had seemed long- but everything before it was, in a way, part of the same incredible stretch of time. Becoming a sage and learning to perfect his skills, losing his master, the wreckage of his village and Pein's idea of justice and Hinata's body hitting the earth.
Sibling disciples, he'd called them. Naruto's voice is quiet.]
[ To sacrifice yourself to make things right. It can't be an easy choice to make. Even now, after preparing herself to accept the consequences of the choice she's made, she isn't so sure what will happen when the time comes to actually accept them.
Will she be scared? Was this student scared? She's scared even now—she doesn't want to die, and she doesn't want to see any more of her family die either. The war has already taken her father and mother from her—her greatest fear is that it will take her siblings too. The path to peace... will she have to make sacrifices too?
[Was Pein strong? He'd seen the kind of power he had, but maybe it wasn't until the end that Naruto really began to consider it. Back then, the whole time he'd been trying to fight belief against belief instead of pausing- to try and understand. If things had been different, he thinks, maybe we would have been friends.
There's something about sharing a conversation like this, about letting the parts of one's self coexist with someone else. It's deeply personal, but it's comforting too- the way that only an exchange like this can be. Naruto had come to terms with sacrifice a long time ago, when it became more than the idea of and more than a concept. When it was manifested by headstones and impossible abilities and the exchange of one dream for another.]
[ Sakura doesn't really know his story—she just has bits and pieces of things she's picked up, but it isn't nearly enough to paint a clear picture of him yet. He's close to Miss Sakura and Mister Sasuke—they're a team. He must be a ninja, and her understanding of that lifestyle fills in a lot of blanks. It's dirty work, difficult and unkind, but every ninja she knows is proud and strong.
But maybe that isn't necessary right now. He's proven to her that he understands, despite everything. Maybe this is more a connection of souls than of words, and that's good enough for now. ]
Have you ever had to... to fight someone that you love?
[The first person he thinks of is Sasuke, and immediately, Naruto's brows draw together. Right from the beginning, his bond with Sasuke had been precious. It was something that he could never share with anyone else, an understanding that he'd fought and dug his heels in against and somehow- had found himself changed by. Naruto will go to the ends of the earth for any of his friends, but this was-
It was just different. It was always different.
He thinks of the feel of Sasuke's hand passing straight through his chest and the way lightning singed his insides. About a boy who lost his entire family, a boy who threw himself in front of his teammates to protect them from harm- who wanted revenge and made terrible choices and who, little by little, was given up on by the people that cared about him.]
[ She's a little surprised to have the question turned back around on her, which shows in the slight pause on her end of the call. ]
Well... I-I don't know.
[ And then there's another short pause. She's probably going to need to explain it better than that, isn't she? But the situation is so complicated that she doesn't even know where to really start. She already told him that she joined her big brother in order to put a stop to the war, so... ]
By joining my brother, I... I turned my back on my country and the rest of my family. W-We already had to fight my big brother Ryoma, but... but it was so hard, a-and I didn't even have to face him.
[ It was better that way. Her oldest brother is far too strong for her—the strongest man in Hoshido, objectively. Even so... it felt like her heart was breaking, knowing they were on opposite sides. ]
Nobody was hurt, but I don't know... what will happen if... [ They have to fight again. ]
[He remembers what it had been like when Sakura-chan told him she was giving up on Sasuke. He remembers everyone in the village slowly but surely letting him slip away, where he stopped being the boy they grew up with and trained with and fought beside, and started being only a missing-nin. A liability to the village. Someone who could attack a Kage summit and join Akatsuki and kill his brother and declare war on Konoha.
He remembers Gaara telling him to let Sasuke go and pushing the man's grip from his shoulder. He remembers Sai telling him that Sakura-chan was going so far as to kill. He remembers learning that the Konoha-11 had resolved to consider Sasuke beyond saving. He remembers being punched in the face over and over and over and not fighting back because this girl from another village was afraid for her friend and because Naruto refused to divulge anything he knew about Sasuke's abilities.]
I didn't know what was gonna happen with Sasuke for a long time.
[He remembers how much it hurt to know that Sasuke meant to attack the village and what that would mean for Naruto in turn.
To know that Hime-chan is suffering with something like that- his fingers curl around the edge of his mattress.]
I knew that I wanted the ninja world to be at peace, and I knew I wanted to bring my friend home- but for a while I think I was the only one that wanted it. Our friends gave up on him. And Sasuke gave up on himself too.
Actually, back home we only just started fighting side by side and I'm still not sure what's gonna happen. The last time we talked he promised to kill me and destroy our village. If it came down to that, I think we'll both die.
[There's only a small sadness in that, the kind that comes with letting go of a nice dream to settle for something else. Something he's made his peace with. It isn't bad. It's just different than what he thought it'd be, when he was a kid.]
I don't know what'll happen for you either. But I guess all this time I've learned that- Hime-chan, if you do what you think is right, if it feels right to your heart, then no matter what happens, you won't feel regret.
[ Sasuke...? The admission surprises her—she can't imagine the Sasuke she knows as the type of person who would threaten to kill his best friend and destroy an entire village. She can't imagine the Naruto and Sasuke she knows as enemies who would go so far as to kill each other.
It makes her... sad. Now that she's experienced the anguish of opposing the people she loves firsthand, her heart feels sick for Naruto—and Sasuke too—knowing that they've experienced the same. She can only hope that Sasuke's presence here, older and kinder, means that the both of them didn't have to die. She can only hope...
He can't see it, but there's a soft rustling on her end of the call as she draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. She's quiet for a while, letting his words sink into her and settle. There's truth in them—the only truth, she realizes, that she can really cling to when the world is much grayer than she'd thought.
Finally, in a small voice: ]
Even if it feels right... do you ever get scared?
[ Everyone she knows is always so brave—her siblings, her retainers, the soldiers in their army—but she's... not. There's a terrifying difference between a heart without regret and a heart at peace. Maybe... ]
[Maybe impossibly, the question makes Naruto smile.
His gaze wanders over his empty room- the made beds and his shoes, flung haphazardly around the floor, a stack of dirty dishes beside his mattress. In a way, this kind of lived-in messiness reminds him of home. Of the days he'd drag himself to bed with bone deep exhaustion to go sprinting out again early the next morning, or when he'd be shoveling instant ramen into his mouth while trying to stay awake to finish reading one more scroll.]
I get scared all the time. Actually, I cry alot too.
[He doesn't sound embarrassed to admit it, but that's largely owed to circumstance and to Hime-chan herself. They're new friends, but they've done nothing but encourage one another and in their own ways, confide. It isn't as simple as seeing her as someone he wants to protect- because hearing her speak reminds him of the promises he'd made himself a long time ago. She reminds him of the person he's trying to be- a little stronger and a little braver every day.]
But I think that's okay because I don't know anybody who doesn't get scared about the things that are special to them. It's because they're your most important people, right?
[ It's hard for her to imagine that someone as strong as Naruto (she remembers how he acted on the train, how brave and capable he was) could feel the same way that she does. But when he says it like that he makes it sound so... natural. She can hear the smile in his voice too, the reassurance and understanding, and that—she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how he takes his fear and weakness, the same parts of herself that she tries so hard to hide and suppress, and turns them into his strength. She doesn't understand how he's so unafraid to feel afraid.
But she admires him for it anyway. She's a little envious too, especially of how he wears his heart so openly on his sleeve while she tries to keep it guarded inside her chest. ]
I hadn't thought about it that way... [ Important people, huh? She's scared of a lot of things, but her worst fears always revolve around those important people, like he said. Maybe he's right... ]
I-I wasn't expecting you to say that. You're so b-brave... like my siblings. [ And not like her. ]
It isn't a mean sound, or even an entirely surprised one. It's just warm and a little startled- after all, she's just given him a pretty big compliment. Naruto doesn't really think of himself in terms of bravery or acts of heroism. He's just a determined guy who isn't willing to give up on his dreams- his or anyone else's.]
Everybody gets scared sometimes! I think maybe I'm braver now than I was when I was a kid [Just like that the memory bubbles to the surface, Sasuke looking smugly back at him. Are you hurt, scaredy-cat?] but I don't know anybody who starts out that way.
We're able to become strong because we have people that're special to us. 'Cause we have bonds that we wanna protect.
[ There's something infectious about his laugh—something that draws out a smile from her, that makes her feel a little lighter. She feels a little relieved too, his reassurance lighting a spark of hope inside her. That's exactly why she's working so hard, isn't it? It's like she's been walking the path to change with her head down, focused on her feet underneath her, and now he's holding her head up, fingers underneath her chin, so she can see everything ahead of her.
Change doesn't have to happen overnight. She may not be as strong and brave as she wants to be right now, but the future is a different story.
Naruto is... he's unexpectedly insightful, isn't he? ]
That's why I want to become stronger... I-I want my siblings to be able to rely on me. They've always protected me, so...
[ She almost adds, as a habit: Does that sound silly? but Naruto has never once found anything she's said silly. It gives her a little more courage to add: ] I-I hope you can rely on me more too.
If that's what you wanna get stronger for, then I definitely believe you can do it.
[He means it with all sincerity- not because he's trying to make her feel better, or not because he's trying to encourage her; Naruto says it because he knows first hand what real motivation looks like. She talks about her siblings, and about what it means to want to stand up for someone that's always protected her. He thinks of Sakura-chan first, and what it had been like to watch her back. And then he thinks of Hinata fighting Pein, knowing that she would lose and unwilling to abandon him.]
So I'm gonna try too. Then we can rely on each other.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hey Hime-chan, can I ask you somethin'?
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It was hard for you to fight those soldiers, wasn't it? Even though they were trying to kill us.
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[ She didn't expect that kind of question... but the pause here is a pensive one. A sober one. ]
I... I'm not very used to fighting. I don't really want to hurt anybody.
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[ That's not just it, though. But first: ] I-Is something wrong?
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I was just remembering the way things had been back then. Fighting like that isn't easy. Even as a shinobi I wonder if we're really doing the right thing. It's natural to go on a mission back home, and know you're going to be in danger, or that you might die. I keep fighting because I have people that are important to me too. People I wanna protect. But it doesn't feel settled for me.
Knowing that, I was worried about your feelings.
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I... I think I understand. I don't want to hurt people—I just want to help them. But... But there's a war a lot like this one back home, between my country and another one named Nohr.
I-I joined my big brother, who abandoned both countries, because we want to end that war. At first I didn't want to fight, but... I know that I have to, if I want to become a strong princess of Hoshido and help him achieve peace. I also realized that fighting is a way of helping people too, if it means creating a peaceful world.
I-It's still hard for me, though. Even though I feel like I'm doing something good, I can't help but think about the people I'm fighting. They probably feel like they're doing something good too.
[ —Ah! She just started rambling about her feelings. A little sheepishly, she adds: ] D-Does that sound silly?
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[It comes out easily, but maybe that's because it is an easy admission. Things were simpler when he was younger- the results of a mission were black and white because that was the world he'd been handed and because it was often a matter of survival. It wasn't until he'd lost Jiraiya and been confronted with Pein that Naruto found himself reconsidering everything he'd once been so quick to accept.]
My master had another student, and he taught me a lot about what it means to decide things for yourself. Actually, when we first met he'd done something so terrible that killing him was the only thing I could think about. I was never angry like that before. Revenge was all I wanted.
But he did those things 'cause he was trying to make a better world too, in his own way.
It can be hard fighting someone and knowing that. But I don't think we can stop either, not when these people are asking us to protect them. As we don't give up,
I believe that one day, people really will be able to understand each other, and there can be a world without war.
i'm sorry...............
Yes, because he understands, and it's such a relief to hear what she's been struggling with reflected back at her. Fighting just isn't in her nature—in truth, she despises it. She isn't like her siblings in that way, who have always embraced their strength and bent the world to their will. Compared to them, she always felt powerless. Fragile. Weak.
Most of the time, she still feels that way. She felt it on the train, and maybe some of her tears come from what happened there that still resonates with her all this time later.
But Naruto is strong—she can tell. That doesn't stop him from sharing her doubts (and her hope), and so that probably makes him just the person she needed to hear that from. ]
I-I believe that too. [ She has to believe that, or she wouldn't be able to walk the path she chose. ] Th-Thank you.
oh my god i had so many typos... how embarrassing
Instead of rushing to reassure her, Naruto closes his eyes and just lets the feeling wash through him. What it's like to have someone else, in a whole other world, with entirely different battles to fight- to share his master's belief. His hand reaches for the centre of his chest and folds in the fabric he finds there- as if he's holding onto his own heart.]
Thank you, Hime-chan.
It's nice, not to feel alone.
would it make you feel better if i said i didn't even notice
[ She breathes out and it feels like an unburdening, her breath leaving her chest along with so many of her worries. She's not alone. Naruto is from a completely different world, filled with different people and different problems, and maybe she shouldn't find comfort in sharing the feelings of someone like that.
But she does. It fuels her hope, actually, that these kinds of things are universal, and maybe... no one is ever truly alone. ]
What... What did you do then? With the other student.
[ If it sounds like more than idle curiosity... it's because she's thinking about her two oldest siblings, and how there might come a day where she has to fight them too. ]
sweating intensifies r u sure
[His eyes close when he remembers it.
The fight itself had seemed long- but everything before it was, in a way, part of the same incredible stretch of time. Becoming a sage and learning to perfect his skills, losing his master, the wreckage of his village and Pein's idea of justice and Hinata's body hitting the earth.
Sibling disciples, he'd called them.
Naruto's voice is quiet.]
After that, he died saving everyone he'd hurt.
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[ To sacrifice yourself to make things right. It can't be an easy choice to make. Even now, after preparing herself to accept the consequences of the choice she's made, she isn't so sure what will happen when the time comes to actually accept them.
Will she be scared? Was this student scared? She's scared even now—she doesn't want to die, and she doesn't want to see any more of her family die either. The war has already taken her father and mother from her—her greatest fear is that it will take her siblings too. The path to peace... will she have to make sacrifices too?
Her voice is quiet too, a match to his. ]
Naruto... can I ask you something?
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There's something about sharing a conversation like this, about letting the parts of one's self coexist with someone else. It's deeply personal, but it's comforting too- the way that only an exchange like this can be. Naruto had come to terms with sacrifice a long time ago, when it became more than the idea of and more than a concept. When it was manifested by headstones and impossible abilities and the exchange of one dream for another.]
Mn, What is it?
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But maybe that isn't necessary right now. He's proven to her that he understands, despite everything. Maybe this is more a connection of souls than of words, and that's good enough for now. ]
Have you ever had to... to fight someone that you love?
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It was just different. It was always different.
He thinks of the feel of Sasuke's hand passing straight through his chest and the way lightning singed his insides. About a boy who lost his entire family, a boy who threw himself in front of his teammates to protect them from harm- who wanted revenge and made terrible choices and who, little by little, was given up on by the people that cared about him.]
You too, Hime-chan?
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Well... I-I don't know.
[ And then there's another short pause. She's probably going to need to explain it better than that, isn't she? But the situation is so complicated that she doesn't even know where to really start. She already told him that she joined her big brother in order to put a stop to the war, so... ]
By joining my brother, I... I turned my back on my country and the rest of my family. W-We already had to fight my big brother Ryoma, but... but it was so hard, a-and I didn't even have to face him.
[ It was better that way. Her oldest brother is far too strong for her—the strongest man in Hoshido, objectively. Even so... it felt like her heart was breaking, knowing they were on opposite sides. ]
Nobody was hurt, but I don't know... what will happen if... [ They have to fight again. ]
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He remembers Gaara telling him to let Sasuke go and pushing the man's grip from his shoulder. He remembers Sai telling him that Sakura-chan was going so far as to kill. He remembers learning that the Konoha-11 had resolved to consider Sasuke beyond saving. He remembers being punched in the face over and over and over and not fighting back because this girl from another village was afraid for her friend and because Naruto refused to divulge anything he knew about Sasuke's abilities.]
I didn't know what was gonna happen with Sasuke for a long time.
[He remembers how much it hurt to know that Sasuke meant to attack the village and what that would mean for Naruto in turn.
To know that Hime-chan is suffering with something like that- his fingers curl around the edge of his mattress.]
I knew that I wanted the ninja world to be at peace, and I knew I wanted to bring my friend home- but for a while I think I was the only one that wanted it. Our friends gave up on him. And Sasuke gave up on himself too.
Actually, back home we only just started fighting side by side and I'm still not sure what's gonna happen. The last time we talked he promised to kill me and destroy our village. If it came down to that, I think we'll both die.
[There's only a small sadness in that, the kind that comes with letting go of a nice dream to settle for something else. Something he's made his peace with. It isn't bad. It's just different than what he thought it'd be, when he was a kid.]
I don't know what'll happen for you either. But I guess all this time I've learned that- Hime-chan, if you do what you think is right, if it feels right to your heart, then no matter what happens, you won't feel regret.
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It makes her... sad. Now that she's experienced the anguish of opposing the people she loves firsthand, her heart feels sick for Naruto—and Sasuke too—knowing that they've experienced the same. She can only hope that Sasuke's presence here, older and kinder, means that the both of them didn't have to die. She can only hope...
He can't see it, but there's a soft rustling on her end of the call as she draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. She's quiet for a while, letting his words sink into her and settle. There's truth in them—the only truth, she realizes, that she can really cling to when the world is much grayer than she'd thought.
Finally, in a small voice: ]
Even if it feels right... do you ever get scared?
[ Everyone she knows is always so brave—her siblings, her retainers, the soldiers in their army—but she's... not. There's a terrifying difference between a heart without regret and a heart at peace. Maybe... ]
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His gaze wanders over his empty room- the made beds and his shoes, flung haphazardly around the floor, a stack of dirty dishes beside his mattress. In a way, this kind of lived-in messiness reminds him of home. Of the days he'd drag himself to bed with bone deep exhaustion to go sprinting out again early the next morning, or when he'd be shoveling instant ramen into his mouth while trying to stay awake to finish reading one more scroll.]
I get scared all the time. Actually, I cry alot too.
[He doesn't sound embarrassed to admit it, but that's largely owed to circumstance and to Hime-chan herself. They're new friends, but they've done nothing but encourage one another and in their own ways, confide. It isn't as simple as seeing her as someone he wants to protect- because hearing her speak reminds him of the promises he'd made himself a long time ago. She reminds him of the person he's trying to be- a little stronger and a little braver every day.]
But I think that's okay because I don't know anybody who doesn't get scared about the things that are special to them. It's because they're your most important people, right?
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[ It's hard for her to imagine that someone as strong as Naruto (she remembers how he acted on the train, how brave and capable he was) could feel the same way that she does. But when he says it like that he makes it sound so... natural. She can hear the smile in his voice too, the reassurance and understanding, and that—she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how he takes his fear and weakness, the same parts of herself that she tries so hard to hide and suppress, and turns them into his strength. She doesn't understand how he's so unafraid to feel afraid.
But she admires him for it anyway. She's a little envious too, especially of how he wears his heart so openly on his sleeve while she tries to keep it guarded inside her chest. ]
I hadn't thought about it that way... [ Important people, huh? She's scared of a lot of things, but her worst fears always revolve around those important people, like he said. Maybe he's right... ]
I-I wasn't expecting you to say that. You're so b-brave... like my siblings. [ And not like her. ]
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It isn't a mean sound, or even an entirely surprised one. It's just warm and a little startled- after all, she's just given him a pretty big compliment. Naruto doesn't really think of himself in terms of bravery or acts of heroism. He's just a determined guy who isn't willing to give up on his dreams- his or anyone else's.]
Everybody gets scared sometimes! I think maybe I'm braver now than I was when I was a kid [Just like that the memory bubbles to the surface, Sasuke looking smugly back at him. Are you hurt, scaredy-cat?] but I don't know anybody who starts out that way.
We're able to become strong because we have people that're special to us. 'Cause we have bonds that we wanna protect.
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Change doesn't have to happen overnight. She may not be as strong and brave as she wants to be right now, but the future is a different story.
Naruto is... he's unexpectedly insightful, isn't he? ]
That's why I want to become stronger... I-I want my siblings to be able to rely on me. They've always protected me, so...
[ She almost adds, as a habit: Does that sound silly? but Naruto has never once found anything she's said silly. It gives her a little more courage to add: ] I-I hope you can rely on me more too.
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[He means it with all sincerity- not because he's trying to make her feel better, or not because he's trying to encourage her; Naruto says it because he knows first hand what real motivation looks like. She talks about her siblings, and about what it means to want to stand up for someone that's always protected her. He thinks of Sakura-chan first, and what it had been like to watch her back. And then he thinks of Hinata fighting Pein, knowing that she would lose and unwilling to abandon him.]
So I'm gonna try too. Then we can rely on each other.
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